Should love be work? What is love like after the initial excitement wears off?

Posted by admin | Posted in Love | Posted on 23-09-2010-05-2008

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Question by Jenna: Should love be work? What is love like after the initial excitement wears off?
I feel like my idea of love is too much of a fantasy, I feel like it should be easy and that I should always feel madly in love with my significant other. Then when that initial infatuation fades, I begin to doubt my feelings… does this mean that I never actually loved the person? Should love and commitment be difficult and require a lot of effort (especially long distance)? What is love like after the initial excitement is gone in long term relationships or marriages?

Best answer:

Answer by mrs_G
A relationship is like a garden, it needs constant maintanance! You have to work at it, or the little issues, like weeds, will choke out the good stuff.
When the first hot fire feels less hot, it’s because there’s a good bed of coals in there, and it can be fanned into bright flame with a little effort.

Sorry to be so corny, but if you recognize these truths, you are able to have a great relationship/marriage.

Add your own answer in the comments!

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Comments posted (10)

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a decision. You have to make the decision to love someone every day – whether you “feel” like it or not, because eventually, no matter how much you love someone, you’re just not going to feel very loving toward them. Behaving toward them in a loving way is what gets you over those humps.

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After 5.5 years, I have my moments where I want to strangle my husband… but they are few and far between. Otherwise, we live a normal life, just as a team. We have our moments where we catch one or the other staring at the other in a gaze of happiness, we have our moments of lustfulness, fun times out, fun times at home… but most people think we have something rare. So I guess all this does not count. Even through the anger we sometimes feel for whatever the reason, we still feel the love and cannot stay mad for long. I think that love is when you can look at your partner after so long, and catch your self gazing at them sighing with happiness, thinking of how much the 2 of you have gone through together and come out of strong. The initial excitement comes and goes after the initial wear off.

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My husband STILL gets me excited and we’ve been married 11 years. Think of your favorite pair of jeans. You were so excited when you first got them and brought them home. You LOVE those jeans. The more you wear them, the better they feel. That is what being in love feels like. You have all kinds of exciting feelings in the very beginning but as the love blossoms, you find COMFORT with that person, not just lust. As for the long distance thing, you may have the greatest jeans in the world but if you can’t see/touch/wear them everyday, you will soon forget about them. Long distance relationships usually don’t work for this reason: out of sight, out of mind.

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Yes. Love is definitely work. There will be times, especially in long term relationships, when the two of you will drift apart… schedules will be difficult to work with, kids, school… whatever it may be. There will be arguments, hurts…sometimes very difficult ones to deal with. But if you care about the person, really love them, your heart will ache for the times when you were closer and you will WANT to work to bring them back. Communication is the key…and this in itself can be work if your partner is more closed in, as mine is. With lots of work from both sides, those close times will return, but most likely will never be quite like the original spark. As a relationship ages and matures, the closeness becomes deeper and more comfortable, but no less intense.

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Relationships are never easy and to expect it to be sunshine and daisies all the time is impractical. They require you to grow and change with eachother and if the love it true, you will. If you do the long distance thing it isn’t to be taken lightly and isn’t for the weak hearted. I’m in a long distance relationship and they require twice as much work as someone local. My advice to you is this, if there is even a thought in your mind doing a long distance relationship that you will somehow falter or fall out of love walk away now. Better for you to save the other person the heartache.

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A couple needs to work at keeping the excitement going in the relationship. For instance still date each other, sounds crazy but it works. A couple goes through different stages of love, many think because that excitement is gone they are no longer in love. This is not true at all, you moved to a deeper kind of love, one that end the end you will look back and say ” he was my best friend & my husband, my soul mate.

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No, it shouldn’t be work. Love is meant to be fun.

I can’t tell you what it’s like after the initial excitement wears off – we never let it wear off. The first answerer is correct – you keep tending it. Why would you let it die or even cool?

Several months ago I saw an e-book from http://www.bringbackthespark.com (I often suggest it here) and it suggests doing (more than) what we do all the time. You need to concentrate on your relationship – make it your top priority. Yes, even above your kids – without neglecting them obviously – if mommy and daddy aren’t happy, the kids aren’t happy, and then their foundation in life is weak.

We have a great time with each other. We touch, fondle, kiss, hug, talk, love, communicate, all the time – every day. There is no chance we can grow apart. The excitement has not worn off after 30++yrs of marriage, and we won’t ever let it.

Love and life ARE supposed to be fun. As someone else here said – you need to make up your mind that you are going to love that person with all your heart. Being in love is so easy and so much fun! Good luck.

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Work isn’t the right word for it.
You have to work to make a living and have a comfortable life.
Without marriage, without your spouse, you still have to ‘work’ and due chores etc…
Keep these things in perspective; if you were alone you would have to do everything! Sometimes I think people get down on themselves in the hum-drum that is their life and it’s not matching the dreams they had for themselves when they were young All that crap is work.

By-and-large, that’s not your spouses fault; your life is where it’s at because of you; your choices your talent etc… Objectively your spouse, in all likelihood, is making your life easier and better even if they are not making as wonderful as you wish they would.
The things you do for each other while technically ‘work’ are usually fun and bring you happiness. i.e. it’s not an unpleasant chore for me to pick out a birthday present for my wife.

That said, the emotional intensity of your marriage is likely to vary over time but if you don’t keep actively loving each other then the love fades away. /If you let that happen/ (and it’s _hard_ not to when the children come) then it takes awkward effort and work to restore love to an estranged marriage.

Long distance is automatic estrangement and it requires extra effort to stay connected; without it the distance and time away from each other flings you apart.

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Well, I think the other people summed it up pretty well, but I hope to give you a bit of hope.

The funny thing about love is that many people (most of us actually) wonder why that butterflies in the stomach feeling comes and goes. The sad truth is that we think that love is dead when it’s just taking a nap and we can wake it up.

The best part is that the feeling you are looking for can and will come back, but it has more to do with YOU than your spouse.

Love is an action. If you ACT with love (things above and beyond the call of duty), then the feelings will follow, so when you find yourself lacking that spark, work harder. It took me 10 years of marriage to figure that out.

Yes, it takes effort, but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes, and seems less and less like work.

I’m going to add this as a side note because if you are not aware of this, then I believe it will help tremendously for any relationship. Read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a book that will help you discover things about yourself as well as the person you are with.

Hope this helps. Best wishes and God bless.
eclypsed

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apparently from my last relationship the lust wore off…
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